Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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