on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
