My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
