Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
