I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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