I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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