Just fell off a train. Bad.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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