you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
