Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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