Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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