My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
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