1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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