Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
