At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
