My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
