someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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