He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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