strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
whose ass print is on the piano?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
