Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
