my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
