So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
