textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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