I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
