On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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