Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
