No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
