My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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