The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
