There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
