hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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