Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
