i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
