The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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