batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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