Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
