i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Four minutes until I can fart!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
