had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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