tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
