I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
