Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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