i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
