i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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