farters have to be the big spoon...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
