i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
