So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
