No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
