if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
