just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
