i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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