I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize