College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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