My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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