remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
