worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
