I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
