GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The air was thick with penises
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
