I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
