I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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