can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
