I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
