wakey wakey hands off snakey
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
