Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize