I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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