Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
