i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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