You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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