So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
