If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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