he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
